Friday, February 28, 2014


There comes a time when we all must take time away from what has become our daily lives.

I know I have stated that we much walk to reach our destination, but we should not just walk blindly. Sometimes it is good to stop and survey the area, see your options, see what you have been doing for what it is. Keeping up the same pattern day in and day out is like walking in circles. You know your doing something but you never are truly getting anywhere. How would you know you are doing this unless you took a look at it from a different point of view.

My current job serves it's purpose, income to maintain a comfortable living for me and my family. That is all. It does not provide peace of mind, there is no real purpose or greater meaning in it. It is a drain on spirit. I need to progress grow and where I am now they only mire you down in the bog and sap you dry till your nothing but bones. Hardly a quid pro qou.

The moment you life starts losing meaning is when your existence is in danger. We cannot jeopardize our existence and throw away purpose for a dollar sign. There will never be enough money in the world to match that of a human life with it's infinite potential. Money being an essentially made up standard of value.

I am becoming comfortable and fat for the slaughter. I need to bring purpose back into my life, not just for myself but as example to my children.

Thursday, February 27, 2014


Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

No one wishes for misfortune to befall them, it simply does. It is inescapable. To go through life without a spot of difficulty would be truly miraculous. The only thing we can do to stay on our feet is remaining aware of the possibilities. The most dangerous strike is one that you do not see coming.

I believe when something happens that is outside of our control we must grit our teeth and push through it. There may be wounds, there may be scars but as long as you are alive there is a tomorrow. And tomorrow holds as much promise for happiness as it does distress.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014


I carry my heart gently.
I feel the rhythm.

It is mine to give or mine to keep.

I hold it out to some,
not everyone wants it.

Sometimes I hide it away.
I forget that I have one.
Could I miss the one that wants it?

Sometimes others give me theirs.
I look at it with it's rapid pattern.

Is this for me?
Can I really have this?
Sometimes they take it back.

It takes me a while to get mine back, sometimes.
I can't just leave it with someone who doesn't want it though.

One day someone will cherish it.
I will wait.
I won't have to give it,
it won't have to be taken.
It will... just be theirs.


There are a few sayings, "Never judge a book by it's cover." or It's the person who seems to have no flaws that you should be worried about.

Humans are deceptive creatures, we put on airs and masks, we play parts and camouflage ourselves. It is so common to do so that it becomes difficult to convey our actual selves. The more we have to hide the better actors we have to become.

It's not that people should have shame and hide things, it's that society shuns people into tucking away their honest feelings. It is a survival reaction, blending in with the herd so as not to be picked out and taken apart. In doing this we cause our true feelings to boil quicker like a covered pot, risking it to pour over into something unexpected and uncontrollable.

I want to be honest and convey my actual self, after so many years there is a lot of wall paper to tear down to get there though. I will work on this. I think it would actual be safer to have a world where people don't bottle up. Maybe people wouldn't end up killing or doing other extreme acts, because we could see them and help them along.

We are all victims of our own society, but as with most things, it is only because we allow ourselves to be. So let's drop the acts and masks.

Monday, February 24, 2014


Rend, Tear, Roar, Thrash.

The beast inside is never quenched. Yearning for a chance to get out, to be backed into a corner so that it may lash out without remorse. To tear and be torn, to bleed and bash and rip and rage. Fire surging in the veins, engulfing everything. It must destroy, it must kill. There is no regret and no fulfillment. There is only the urge, the unending compulsion.

When was it that we decided men were any different than beasts. When did we began to hold our noses up to the other creatures deeming them lesser than we. At what time did we think we were beyond being beasts ourselves? You cannot change what you are, you can only be. We are the beast restrained inside ourselves, lurking behind our eyes, prey all around.

If driven to the extreme, I think I would be wise to let the leash out for a bit. The longer the beast starves, the hungrier it gets. No one can live in a cage forever.

Friday, February 21, 2014


It is something that is natural to us when a capable caregiver is present in our infant years.

As I hold my child of 11 months, walking back and forth with a slight bounce, he dozes off on my shoulder. After a few minutes it becomes a deep slumber. I couldn't help but think to myself, 'Wow, this is the definition of trust'. How else could he rest easy without concerns of being randomly jostled or dropped. Perhaps he has not yet learned of skepticism.

Imagine having so much trust in someone that you would leave your slumbering vessel in their hands. It seems almost unfathomable. Where did all the trust go? grade school betrays? Failed Love connections? Law related pestering?

I don't think that trust ever truly leaves us, we just ration it as the world influences us. Complete trust in everyone would be a flawed thought, though an ideal world. We must ration trust right?

I have to be willing to trust those that trust in me; mutual trust is more sustainable. It is hard to trust someone who does not trust you; skepticism is contagious. It is hard as a parent to trust your child, I imagine even in their later years. This is not due to skepticism, it is due to fear. I fear for what might happen to them if I'm not there to save them from the world. How can a child grow without the trust of a parent though? They need to know they should be confident takings steps without you hovering over them, that you believe in them as much as they believe in themselves. We all needs this to be confident and successful.

I will say this, If you care for someone trust them. If you cannot trust them then maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. Be it your child, partner or good friend. I have friends that I can trust. I have a partner I know is more than capable and I trust her. I trust my boys when they have the air of certainty about them.

Thursday, February 20, 2014


I'm not sure why but I despise referring to myself in the third person.

It is customary in my line of work to announce yourself when you enter onto a conference call. This results in the repetition of "Jim Mansfield is here". It is very uncomfortable to me to announce myself in that fashion, I usually opt for a "Hey, it's Chris." Rather informal but I don't feel like putting myself on a pedestal.

To define my relationship with myself I would say "I accept who I am". I would not put myself above anyone and I am aware the world does not revolve around me. I am fairly sure a bare minimum of even entangle themselves with me. A slight lament, but I am fine with that. Everything has it's purpose and direction. I don't have the be the center of a universe to exist and do so pleasantly.

Knowing this, I do not seek to draw attention to myself. I can be apart of something without circling the drain (is this a depressing way to view being central in something?). I find it fascinating that despite my social neglect, people will take the time to interact with me. I must have one of those faces, as they say. It's always intriguing to speak with some one with no intentions of anything further. It's a very pure conversation where the only purpose is informational exchange and general interest in the other being.

By now it must seem apparent that I live inside my own head for the most part. I watch the world through the theater that is my own eyes and have my mystery science theater going all the while. I am the hermit in my head. Perhaps this way of interacting with life makes me detached? I don't think so, I just think I choose the moments to put my whole self into. Do I really need to be fully engaged in ever conversation about weather trends? Surely not.

Being the constant hypocrite that I am, I have to say that there are time I want to be observed and considered. I find myself requiring, more than anything that my boys look me in the eyes and see me and Know Me. I have to be an essential part of their universe, for myself personally, for my happiness. I like for them to be able to be happy to engage the world on their own, but I can not disengage or be detached from them entirely. I need them as much as I hope they need me.

If I had to define myself in one word I would be lying or cutting myself short and so would anyone else. We cannot be defined we are abstract and dynamic. I may hate the things tomorrow that I loved yesterday or visa versa. We are Chaos and should embrace that. I don't have time fumbling around in my own head, trying to figure out how to sort together details to define myself to myself. I only have time to exist and move forward, Living.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I had a dream a month or so ago that inspired me to write a short story about it. I am going to modify it a bit though.

Perhaps it is human nature that we must test something despite all warnings.

While visiting with distant relatives at their rural home, I had taken to exploring each day into the woods and country side. One day I happened upon a strange stone structure hidden in the hillside by overgrowth. I was curious, but not enough to enter alone or without a flashlight.

The next day while in while in the small town about a mile from my relatives home I asked some of the locals if they knew anything about it. I was met mostly by folklore which ended with warning not to disturb unknown things. None of the information was exact enough to seem relevant to my discovery however.

I had given up and started back when I was approached by a trio of locals (two guys and a girl) about my age. It seems my curiosity was infections as they expressed an interest in adventuring into the structure with me on the following day.

Around noonish the next day we assembled outside of my relatives rural home and set out with tools in hand. We cleared away the over growth from cracked opening in the stone door and lowered ourselves in one at a time. Goosebumps spread over me as we venture into the dark tunnel bearing our flashlights. The tunnel went at a gentle decline and was easy to transverse and grew colder the further we went.

Eventually the tunnel opened up into room with many stone pillars. Upon inspection the only thing we discovered in the room was a worn life sized statue of stone female angel carved from some dark stone with some weather wear. It's visage capture in standing pose, arms down to it's side, palms facing forward, eyes opened with no pupils and head tilted slightly down.

There didn't seem to be any way to explain the purpose of the structure or the angel statue facing a back corner. The only information we had to go on was some text carved into one of the walls.

"Do not render life in the presence of the Black Angel"

We puzzled over the text till the only girl of the group said she wanted to try something. She scrambled through her pack and eventually pulled out a bit of paper and a nub of a pencil. Without explaining she took the pencil to the paper. It looked as if she were drawing a person (hard to tell exactly, I don't think she was an artist).

As she put the finishing touches to the picture, it looked as if the lead quickly spread out across the paper till it was completely black. We all jumped back as she screamed and dropped it. The sound of stone scraping against stone sounded in the corner. We turned, aiming our flashlights at the angel statue which had turn from the corner to face us.

Horrified we stood in shock as the statue glided in a blur across the ground stopping inches from our female companion. Tears ran down her face as she was floated up in mid air. Once her eyes met with the angel's her body contorted monstrously, joints and limbs curling in on each other till she was balled up, bloody and lifeless.

Her remains fell onto the ground with a sloppy wet plop, the sound breaking whatever trance held us as we all broke into a mad dash. I could hear behind us the sound of stone scraping stone and knew the angel wasn't done.

I did not look back as I rushed through the tunnel. The sounds of my two remaining companions who had been following me turned from labored breathing to death cries. As I caught a glimpse of the light filtering in from the spot where we had entered my last companions death cry was fading. The thought being next in line running through my mind as I scrambled like a wild animal through the opening tossing myself to the ground outside.

Winded and worn, I laid there catching my breath. The angel was much to large to make it through the opening, I prayed. There was no sound coming from the structure as I brought myself to my feet. I didn't dare look within, so I quietly began to move towards my relatives home. As I began walking I heard something from within the structure and eventually I recognized it. It was the sound of stone scraping...

I have never been back to my relatives place, nor have I gone over the details of those events till today. I can't shake the feeling that I am being watched and have sworn off drawing. Worst of all, I can't take the sound of stone scraping against stone.


The constant foreboding atmosphere of my office job gives me a sense of impending doom.

I actually like dealing with the people but I feel that my every move is scrutinized. It's as if those in positions above me are taking in every little that could be considered a problem and cataloging it for an eventual, climatic exile. I know I need the money and working in a physically comfortable position is a plus, but I would really like to be in charge of my own fate.

There is an offer on a table to paint murals, maybe that would be a good outlet. I'm not sure if I like the act of painting enough. I do enjoy being creative and designing imagery. It would also be good to not be cooped up. The down side is that it may not be sustaining and there is still the sense of impending doom and being watched. This time it would be from clients however.

I think I should take more chances and I would if it was just myself at stake. Having two baby boys at home makes choices like these very difficult however. Risk is something that even in small amounts can be devastating when the life of children are at stake.

I shouldn't use them as an excuse to stay comfortable though. I need to set an example for them or they may end up in my dilemma.

Thursday, February 13, 2014


It's a special sort of feeling that is very close to the mental state known as happiness. The difference is that it has a physical presence.

There are different things that can trigger it: receiving a unexpected and kind act, meeting with someone you care for, experiencing a beautiful sight or actual warmth from the sun or other heat source.

I always remember when I would be at school early, sitting at a cafeteria table by myself. I would look up to see the familiar face of a friend coming over to join me. I recall that I couldn't help but form a stupid grin naturally as I would feel warmth in my chest. 'This person is here for me, as my friend, because they care and I matter to them'. Everyone deserves to have this, especially children.

I can't imagine a life without warmth, to live in a world of cold. We should all share our warmth, give our friends and family stupid grins and make their heart skip a beat. It's the greatest and most sincere gift.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I don't know what I can do till I try. Usually I would fall into a slump of doing only what is required of me, it's an easy life. The problem with the easy life is that it is unbelievable dull. Nothing bad happens, but nothing really good happens either. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".

It feels great to create personal growth by pushing my boundaries; becoming wiser, smarter, strong and more well versed. It's great when I am doing it as a personal goal. When I am required to push our boundaries and comfort zone it feels like more of a hassle. I have little interest in doing my best because I'm told to do so, it cheapens the whole thing. If they had let it be I would have done so anyway.

Not that I don't like to be my best for others for their sake, just not as a mandatory requirement. Effort is best served incentive and willingness.

I have always admired the Japanese culture for many of their cultural mentalities. One of these being that anything a person does should to be done with perfecting it in mind. Everything we do has an effect on the world around us and the world around us has an effect on us. If we give a bare minimum output to the world then we can't expect much of a return from the world or for ourselves.

Monday, February 10, 2014


I am going to build a Desktop computer on a budget of $600.00. It's been a good many years since last I put together a PC of my own. I am very excited!

I will update this with a component list.

Technology always intrigues me and rate at which it grows is astounding. Imagine what kind of technology would be present if companies weren't holding out. This may not be the case but I have a feeling that there is the possibility of much greater technology out there. The only thing that prevents it from being here today is business.

Business has always stood in opposition of progress or great progress rather. Business likes to maximize profits while minimizing expenses. As long as they can make money off of their current product why would they put money into creating a better product and paying to produce it? Business shuns great leaps of forward progress, they will do anything to halt this possibility. People like Nikola Tesla disappear.

An example of a relevant business is Apple. You can buy a computer from there and you can pay them to upgrade it and you can pay them for their unique everything. They are against those that would build their own systems. If we just let someone do everything for us, they essentially rule us. This is why I do not like to hand my money to Apple.

A person is entitled to their hard work and effort and should reap the benefit of it. They should not get comfortable in their current status and lean on status quo. If we stop moving forward then we become meaningless, merely existing to exist another, never truly living or adding value in any way. Never give in fully to being a consumer. If someone gives you a fish, you may never learn to fish. If you learn to fish your do not have to depend on someone else to live and their for ruled by no one.

Friday, February 7, 2014


There is some mysticism in these winter times. Something that lightens our hearts to match the snow. It's as if heaven descends to earth and with it is peace of mind.

It first started with a fine snowy flurry that resembled mist or dust flowing about in a dance of it's own across the road ways. Later in the day it picked up to easily visible snow floating to the ground piling up and making everything brighter despite the lack of sun. I helped a neighbor with some burden some lifting and ended up with new shelving!

As nice as it is outside with the frosted world, the warms of a blanket and warm bed is irresistible. I imagine that this is due to matching a memory in the mind of when I was in the womb; warm and safe, no worries.

I will have to build and throw at least one snow ball while the materials are available. One day I will have to pick up a snow board or some skis. So much to do, so much to look forward to!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Attack on Titan

I have heard it mentioned numerous times which is usually enough to cause me to ignore something entirely. I don't generally like hyped or mainstream things due to their appeals rising from simpler things such as action or effects rather than plot, story or character development.

I like Attack on Titan. It get's the blood flowing, has characters you want to root for and a story that you want to unravel. I did not come in prepared to lose certain characters. This is something I can appreciate though, the loss is real because we become attached to them. We want them to reach their dreams and have their goals met. They win us over and our hearts rise and fall with them. It's realistic this way.

I would like to see a next gen game to match the anime. The likes of Monster Hunter or God Eater Burst. It has everything it needs to create that feeling of epic battle. I plan on doing some fan art when I find time to spare and hope to capture the emotion of the character I became very attached to as it inspired me.

It's great to see such a potent new anime, this could surely spark a fire in the community that creates an opportunity to see more great anime work.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Fear is strongest when you don't know what's going on or how to handle it. It's being helpless.

Fear for one's life is effective fearing for the life of a loved one is overpowering. My ten month old son who has only ever suffered a cold began vomiting repeatedly last night. The first time, I though maybe the solids I just gave him didn't sit well and that would be it. It wasn't. I was holding him and again he expelled his stomach contents. At this point it became more frequent and repetitious.

It's tough handling something you did not see coming. It's that much tougher when your sick child has a twin sibling that you also have to take care of at the same time. While holding my A (my sick child), O (A's twin brother) wanted attention too. There was only one way I could hold A that wouldn't cause him to throw up and I had to keep O out of the mess.

I temporarily put O in a pack and play which he was not happy with while trying everything I could think of to make A ok. He wouldn't take fluids so after an hour and a half of trying things, I decide to head to the ER. It can be difficult to get twins from place to place, even harder when one is sick and the other does not want to cooperate. I was able to appease O with a bottle and settle A in comfortably enough that only vomited once.

The pure panic and fear of the whole thing to this point is indescribable. Thankfully, A was seen quickly at the ER and was even cheerful and playful while there. A was given something to ease his stomach and he took fluids at this point. There was no fever or signs of any other issue so we were released. He has been taking his fluids and seems to be fine now.

I definitely felt some strain on my heart from this whole event.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014


Why are people so quick to judge and slow to investigate.

It would be nice to be seen as innocent till proven guilty, but that is not the case. When someone may have to take responsibility why would they expend so much effort to divert it. There is nothing to gain in hiding from your faults and pretending to be perfect.

I am aware that I am not perfect and this is a very soothing notion. I do not have to try to be perfect. I only need to do everything I can and live up to my own code.

Yesterday I was seething. People who I had not seen in a week speaking poorly of me based on nothing but hear say of others who have nothing better to do than gossip and make problems for others. I feel this article expresses what is going on very well

I would like to think that I am a capable individual. That being said I cannot read minds and being proactive still requires some form of information. How can someone have expectations when they provide no information what so ever. The world is coming in direct conflict with my enlightenment or perhaps it is I that should not allow these things to weigh me down.

I must seek to still my waters, for my health, sanity and general well being. The only one that can truly effect my mental state is me, I mustn't forget that.

Monday, February 3, 2014


The world is a garden. People are like vegetation. We need warmth, nourishment and to be maintained.

We should strive to blossom year after year, through all seasons and conditions. We should also aim for those around us to Bloom as well. The world does not need to be a barren waste land around us; It should be an endless field of life and vibrancy.

If we take all the nourishment around us, those near us will wilt. If we take all the sun for ourselves to shoot up towards the sky are we not weeds? What would be the meaning in going full bloom if we leave the world around us a desert?

We must cultivate. Share your nourishment to help others grow, not just healthy but also with purpose and well shaped. Let the sun shine all around and not just upon yourself. Everyone needs to be acknowledged and to be shown they are important and have value. Bring up those around you so that the world as a whole is more beautiful and full of delight.

Never forget that those around you are just like you but may not have had such a fertile base, maybe they just need a little watering and tending to help take away some of what holds them down and prevents them from reaching their full potential.

Do what you can, within reason, that's all that anyone can ask. It doesn't take much to cultivate; You just have to be consistent.


I must accept that I am yin and yang.

Some days I wake up with the desire to destroy everything in sight, start a fire that engulfs the world and watch as everything smolders to ash. I have the urge to tear down everything put in place despite safety or necessity. I even yearn for the demise of those around me, regardless of any other sentiments. All of it with a twisted grin.

Does this make me a horrible monster, these dark and vivid thoughts? I do not think so. We all have a beast within trying to tear it's way out into the world. If I were to leave myself unchecked and do as I please then perhaps I would be a monster. Everything is in actuality. The things that I do matters, not the things that I see in my head. I have to remember this even at the most stressful of times.

Generally I want the world to flourish, those around me to be successful and to bask in positivity. These things bring me joy and I'd like to say that's all there is to me. I cannot deny my faults or flaws, to do so would make me unable to improve upon them and better myself. The more I deny myself the stronger my dark urges become. I must embrace the dark and the light.

I should not seek to destroy the beast. I should tame it.


I feel the weight of doubt heavily upon myself. I am not sure if I was born with this feeling or it is something that was instilled within me. A fear of failure so great that I am afraid to try something new if there is something at stake.

I know in my mind that this fear is unreasonable. I am a capable individual and I can do most things adequately or better when I apply the proper effort, yet I still have no faith in myself till I have already succeeded. The only way I know to fight this is to go against the nagging fears and move forward.

If I remain still for too long I will become stagnant and I will never reach my goals if I do not keep moving.

The other side of this is that risk is exhilarating. The rush of danger is extremely exciting and enticing so much so that I would risk it all for the greatest thrills. I yearn for the possibility of great achievement with my life on the line and that is also not a very healthy thing.

When I hold back in one aspect I desire the direct opposite which is not to my benefit. I must seek balance if I wish to feel that my life is fulfilling. I should not hide away in a cave to save myself but I should also avoid jumping off ledges for thrills.

Do not throw away one part of yourself for another, accept everything that is you and find balance within.